Artist Statement

Refuse to See

2020 was an eventful year. There were challenges, demands and tests that pushed all to their breaking points. The future began to fill with uncertainties, forcing everyone into a state of undeniable panic, worry, and disbelief. Obstacles spouted in the most unwanted areas of lives; but for some, these obstacles were as rewarding as they were challenging.

Personally, my experience with the pandemic taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. Society expects us to be cool, calm, and collected throughout a majority of our lives. There are constant words of affirmation that tell us to suppress our negative emotions, which causes an internalization of this consuming, negative mindset. It is difficult for me to adapt as quickly as society expects me to, and in return, it takes a toll on my emotional well-being. We are told to look professional in public settings, be polite to everyone, and suppress our dark and ugly emotions that are hidden inside. When social distancing began and I was suddenly left with more time alone, I realized how disconnected I was to my true self. Before the pandemic, I spent ample amounts of time in social situations where I was putting on an act and displaying what I think others want to see instead of who I truly was.

Isolation was a rude interruption to my mental state that only seemed to amplify all the negativity around me. I was facing too many feelings to comprehend and there was an abundance of constant depression and unease that made it difficult to go through the motions of an everyday lifestyle. I turned to bad habits and bad company to numb the growing darkness that controlled me. The darkness inside me began to take over all parts of me.

I began to soul search in places that were uncomfortable. I reached out to friends who were willing to help and finally told my family about what I was experiencing. At the time, this was the hardest, bravest thing I had ever done; but the more I did it, the more I felt better. Slowly, I began to no longer experience the anxieties that came with quarantining. I have grown and realized that communicating with my true self is an essential part of a positive lifestyle. The mind becomes a scattered disaster when you push down your emotions, but as you embrace your true self, you find the light that has always been there.

Not recognizing this negative mindset and letting the gloom build up deteriorated my well-being. Refuse to See visually demonstrates the outcome of untreated mental health. Since I did not seek treatment for my mental health immediately, the darkness started tearing me apart. Nobody is perfect and it is okay not to be okay all the time. My journey helped me understand that asking for help does not make me weak. When I got knocked down, I asked for help and others provided support to build me back up. Sadly, some experiences are out of our control but we can still make things beautiful. For example, my installation ended up in the river and at first sight was destroyed. After stepping back and looking at it from a different perspective, I realized it could be salvaged. If we do not dwell on the negative, we can work with what is given to us and enjoy the light.

To illustrate my journey of this internal battle I chose to build a sculpture of a head. On the front, we can see how I conform to society’s standards. This is made up of common phrases I often engage in, it is how I display myself to others. The personality I portray is a happy one, where I am always doing fine and happy to help. The broken assembly of these phrases shows how I obviously am not okay and need help. The paper tearing off the face symbolizes how untreated mental health can tear you apart. The darkness can overpower the light if you do not recognize it. The blindfold symbolizes my ignorance of the darkness I feel internally. I chose to ignore my true emotions and the conflict I was experiencing within and it broke me. The backside of the head contains a book that takes the reader through my journey of self-reflection and growth. Despite the challenges and emotional detachment I experienced, I find the light at the end of my tunnel.